This is the year of St. Paul, and we have received and are reading material from different sources about his genius, his call, his insight. He was the first apostle who didn’t see the Lord, touch him, smell him. The blinding light and the voice were a clear signal, but very different from walking the beaches and roads of Galilee with a person named Jesus. In this he was like us.

I have always found Paul fascinating because –like others I have known – he needed to be thrown to the ground to pay attention. And then he needed to suffer physically, the blindness, the scales to get him to refocus. I imagine a “What the hell is going on?” reaction. Considering what we know of Paul, that he studied under Gamaliel, that he had a brilliant analytical mind, that he knew the scriptures in depth, it is reasonable to believe that during these days of blindness his mind raced. This was more than a puzzle. What he believed had been shattered.

So Paul is thrown to the ground, asks, “Who are you?” and gets the message that it is Christ. And then there is a period of several days in which he hangs around the disciples before getting to meet more of the apostles. From Acts through the letters of Paul, we get more and more details of the early days of his conversion. There were more visions. Paul refers to Christ speaking directly to him. So there can be no question that he was beloved and chosen by God to be an apostle.

I like most of the saints. Even some of the weird ones sound tolerable. You might not want them in your house or invite them to a party, but an occasional meeting, no problem. But the more I read the more I realize that Paul and I would never be friends. It would probably be mutual. Paul is someone who remembers every wrong ever done to him. He doesn’t mince words and speaks harshly of individuals by name. He doesn’t like women – and it is more than their status in the assembly. Check the stuff he wrote about widows.

The volume seems to be up too high in his writings. Of course he had several near-death experiences, and he was passionate about preaching the Good News, and doing it correctly, while there was still time.

Oh boy! I am beginning to listen to myself. This is the same self who had a bad argument with Mother Teresa over filling out government forms. (I know she was right theoretically but when she accepted the food, she implicitly agreed….)

The point is that God chooses his saints, and he chose Paul with all his faults to be his apostle to the Gentiles. Correction. I think he chose Paul because of his faults. This would not be a timid fighter, nor a tepid apologist. This man would not be pushed around. He knew the scriptures and could argue every jot and tittle.

And that choice for those reasons gives me hope. I know God loves me. Now I have to work on accepting the “warts and all.”

Eileen Fane, O.S.U. is Executive Director of The Adult Learning Center

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